Ask for what you want
And be prepared to receive it,
Just as you would prepare for the rain when clouds gather,
Happiness needs you to be prepared,
It prevents you from drowning
My birthdays have always been a time of reflection. I am always left feeling like I have not done enough. This year however, I can safely say, I am happy! Truly I am, I feel blessed! I am blessed! I am totes in love and I am right where I should be!
There’s that unpreparedness for the happiness though! That anxious voice telling me what if I lose it all today? My default had always been to go back to the familiar,but today I am not. Not because I have any certainty of the future, I don’t. It’s because I know I belong here, I am happy here, I have all I need here! If tomorrow should start and I am not happy, that is ok too! Because the needs of tomorrow are already provided for tomorrow! So today I live and I accept the present!
Ain’t it funny how we teach and train the mind for so many years in schools,
But nobody teaches and trains the spirit , the body and heart…
Is it a wonder then that the we have become egotistic robots?
Is it a wonder then that we don’t know how to trust, we don’t know how to eat, we don’t know how to love?
We are good at judging, like I am doing now.. but we need to invest in ourselves.
As taught in school, problem solving steps are:
1. Identify the problem
2. Find alternative solutions
3. Apply best alternative
4. Go back to step 1
Not so bad after all…
Just because I answer to female,
It don’t mean I must behave the way they taught you females behave
Just because I answer to Engineer,
It don’t mean I have to be the Engineer they taught you about
Just because I am black,
It don’t mean I am the black they told you about
Just because I am me,
Expect me to behave like me!
Expect me to be the female I am
Expect me to be the Engineer I know how to be!
Expect me to be the black I am!
Just because I am me,
Expect me to evolve!
Expect me to define and redefine who I am!
Allow me to introduce and reintroduce myself over and over as I find myself!
I am after all in the cycle and change is encouraged…. they say it’s the only constant!
This shrub is right next to my bedroom window, I think it has snakes and rats or whatever. It’s not surprising then that sometimes at night I will be awakened by a loud thud or a scratchy sound on my ceiling as if something was sharing my bedroom with me. It used to bother me quite a lot, I would wake up in the middle of night and suffer terrible insomnia! It wasn’t until one day I remembered a story my step mother once told me.
There used to be these loud thuds on our ceiling back home, I must have been 8 at the time. The loudest ones would wake me up and I will run to my dad’s room. My dad would tell me it’s the birds and let me sleep in their room only to wake up in my bed🙄. Then one day we were all gone except my stepmom, she was left alone in the house.
When we came back I wanted to find out how she slept alone, wasn’t she scared of the ghosts on the roof? “There were noises as usual and it freaked me out a bit, but I decided I am going to work tomorrow and I need my sleep”, she answered. “I spoke to the ghosts and told them, we are both here! We both want to sleep so we might as well let each other sleep because nobody is leaving this house tonight, and I went to bed”
That story was never profound or that meaningful at the time. I just thought she is lying, she probably didn’t sleep all night, waiting for sunrise. Thinking about it and the shrub next to my room, I know now she wasn’t lying! Like all the discomforts we go through, we can choose to let them discomfort and frustrate us or we can just learn to live with them. Living with them means setting boundaries and defining quiet and noise times. It means acknowledging that they are there, but you have more important things to do than to tend to them!
We all belong
These feelings belong too.
There once was a girl
A girl afraid of her own light
A girl afraid of herself
A girl who didn’t belong
Not to the world
Not to herself
She wandered lonely as Wordsworth’s cloud
A girl always expecting the sky to fall, like Henny Penny
A girl afraid of her talents A girl stuck forever in the shadow of her abuse
A girl who feared the world was judging herA girl afraid of attachment
A girl living in a cocoon That girl is a grown woman now!
She is not afraid anymore!
She lives in her own light!
She is a grown woman now!
My dear friend doubt pays a visit from time to time, always to tell me I might fail
My friend past shows sometimes and always wants to stay longer than planned
On such days, I smile and allow them to share their stories…
And I remind them,
I am a grown woman now!
I belong here!
It’s true I still don’t have all the answers and doubt creeps in now and again, but I don’t mind. As long as I remember, I am here! Here in the present! And at this present moment, I am whole!