On polygamy…

What do you call a relationship with a man with 9 children and 6 wives you know nothing about? You fall pregnant with your first born who unbeknownst to you is baby number 10, you are in a test while he decides whether you are worth the dowry….. all of this you don’t know. You believe all he tells you, ‘I will marry you, I love you and it’s just you and me’.

What happens to you when you realize he lied? What about the dream he sold you? Are you to blame? Do you continue the relationship??

This is a story of one of my step mothers, one of many. All of them have their own sob stories about my father, the polygamist. He was not an honest man when it came to his women, a lot of them were trapped by the lies to stay in the relationships. They stayed and I swore that will never be me!

Surely I am clever and not as stupid and dumb as them….. if only! The sins Of the father fall on the children, only if they are not cleansed and hidden. My father will always be my hero but I also know he was not a superhuman. He was after all just a man burdened with expectations and living a life taught to him by his parents.

I therefore choose to shine the light on the lies, all of them.

rachel

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My fellow bloggers, thank you

I would like to thank everyone who has stopped by this blog over the last 2 years. Thank you for being part of my healing and growth. I hope my sharing has inspired you in some way or at least made you laugh at the silliness of it all. Thank you for the likes. Thank you for inspiring me to write more.

In my native language, I would say “Ngiyabonga ngiyanconcoza!” Loosely translates it means “thank you, m grateful beyond gratitude”

From this heart to yours, thank you! I am also grateful to my fellow bloggers for sharing their stories. I’ve been inspired!

rachel

Letting go of old self….

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning,

I looked at photos of old self,

All beautiful,

All sexy,

All woman!

I decided to say goodbye to my old self,

I lit a candle for my old self,

I had conversations with old self,

I told her goodbye my love,

It’s been good knowing you my friend,

I have to let you go now!

I need space for the new,

New!

Not old self,

Not familiar self,

New self,

You will always be part of me!

I love you and always will!

rachel

This armor….. is just fear

All of this “no need”

Is a thick armor of shame,

Not enoughness,

Unworthy,

Fear

Fear of not being lovable,

Fear of vulnerability,

Fear of loving too much,

Fear of loss,

Fear of imperfection!

I wish I knew how to let you in,

I want to let you in!

Don’t stop knocking on that door,

Chisel the armor,

I will help

rachel

Love, I am 30

My real birthday is June 1st but my certificates says June 4th. My dad messed up the days between my sister and I. So today I am 30, officially!

I am grateful for love

I am love

I am surrounded by love,

I am swimming in the river of love.

I am unfazed by judgement,

I am not ashamed of the woman I am,

I am in love with me!

I am in love with my blue eyed man,

I am in love with life!

Judge me at your own risk,

I don’t harbor any hate towards you,

I only pray it makes you happy!

At least as much as I am!

rachel

Prepare for Happiness

Ask for what you want

And be prepared to receive it,

Just as you would prepare for the rain when clouds gather,

Happiness needs you to be prepared,

It prevents you from drowning

rachel

My birthdays have always been a time of reflection. I am always left feeling like I have not done enough. This year however, I can safely say, I am happy! Truly I am, I feel blessed! I am blessed! I am totes in love and I am right where I should be!

There’s that unpreparedness for the happiness though! That anxious voice telling me what if I lose it all today? My default had always been to go back to the familiar,but today I am not. Not because I have any certainty of the future, I don’t. It’s because I know I belong here, I am happy here, I have all I need here! If tomorrow should start and I am not happy, that is ok too! Because the needs of tomorrow are already provided for tomorrow! So today I live and I accept the present!

Content!