Letting go of old self….

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning,

I looked at photos of old self,

All beautiful,

All sexy,

All woman!

I decided to say goodbye to my old self,

I lit a candle for my old self,

I had conversations with old self,

I told her goodbye my love,

It’s been good knowing you my friend,

I have to let you go now!

I need space for the new,

New!

Not old self,

Not familiar self,

New self,

You will always be part of me!

I love you and always will!

rachel

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This armor….. is just fear

All of this “no need”

Is a thick armor of shame,

Not enoughness,

Unworthy,

Fear

Fear of not being lovable,

Fear of vulnerability,

Fear of loving too much,

Fear of loss,

Fear of imperfection!

I wish I knew how to let you in,

I want to let you in!

Don’t stop knocking on that door,

Chisel the armor,

I will help

rachel

Love, I am 30

My real birthday is June 1st but my certificates says June 4th. My dad messed up the days between my sister and I. So today I am 30, officially!

I am grateful for love

I am love

I am surrounded by love,

I am swimming in the river of love.

I am unfazed by judgement,

I am not ashamed of the woman I am,

I am in love with me!

I am in love with my blue eyed man,

I am in love with life!

Judge me at your own risk,

I don’t harbor any hate towards you,

I only pray it makes you happy!

At least as much as I am!

rachel

Prepare for Happiness

Ask for what you want

And be prepared to receive it,

Just as you would prepare for the rain when clouds gather,

Happiness needs you to be prepared,

It prevents you from drowning

rachel

My birthdays have always been a time of reflection. I am always left feeling like I have not done enough. This year however, I can safely say, I am happy! Truly I am, I feel blessed! I am blessed! I am totes in love and I am right where I should be!

There’s that unpreparedness for the happiness though! That anxious voice telling me what if I lose it all today? My default had always been to go back to the familiar,but today I am not. Not because I have any certainty of the future, I don’t. It’s because I know I belong here, I am happy here, I have all I need here! If tomorrow should start and I am not happy, that is ok too! Because the needs of tomorrow are already provided for tomorrow! So today I live and I accept the present!

Content!

Dear Ex Lover

Dear ex lover

You were never a lover, but for this poem you are.

Get up and go!

This body isn’t your church for you to cum and worship,

This body isn’t your chapel to cum and ask for forgiveness and speak in tongues, only to get out and sin again!

You can’t cum with your demons in this house, leave them in the street!

This is a holy place!

It is a temple!

My temple!

God’s temple!

Now,

Get up and go

rachel

30 before 30

Angels are People tooo

I think judging comes from assuming “otherness”

I’ve recently noticed this with myself,

Suddenly I am better than,

Because I sat with my demons

When I see the old “other”

I had judged and stayed kept a distance,

Maintain the “other”

The truth is,

I am no angel

I am flawed

I am human

I am still learning

I am still healing

Even from the “otherness”

This is 28 before 30.

rachel

First Love

A house filled with so many memories. Some of my favorite childhood memories were in this house. Like my first boyfriend.

My boyfriend would visit me daily around 11, just to say hi. He didn’t care that I had not bathed yet, he just wanted to see me. At 2 he would come again, just to see me and we would take a walk and kiss, I used to live for his kisses! At 7 in the evening, he would be back again, to kiss me again. It was behind this house when I almost bit his tongue, it our first kiss after all, on June 20th 2003, I was 15. I loved him so much! I loved him with my whole being, ain’t it funny that I hadn’t really met myself nor fully loved myself?

He was waiting for me. I was going to give myself to him when I turned 21, so he only had to wait 6 years. I mean what is 6 years between true lovers? It broke my heart then when one day I discovered he had impregnated someone else……… I thought he was the one! I thought I could never get over the hurt! But I did…

He taught me to kiss, he taught me to love and he taught me not to trust. What is love without trust??

rachel

In 29 days I will be turning 30, so I decided to write something daily for my upcoming birthday. So this is one of them.