Conversations with the mind

What do you do when you mind won’t be still?

Telling your heart to race at 1000km/hr,

Telling your pores to release all the fluids you have taken,

Telling your hands to dance to the speed of sound,

What happens when stillness eludes you?

You surrender!

No labels!

No resisting!

Just surrender

rachel

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Breaks and time outs, relationship savers?

I decided to spend 10 days of my Christmas break with my boyfriend, it’s been six days and I am ready to pack up and leave. Let me give you perspective;

My boyfriend is busy equipping his farm which means the place is basically a dump! No lights, no entertainment (except our company and hanky-panky). The first 5 days including Christmas were bliss! I enjoyed them so much but this morning I woke up feeling blue. It didn’t help that he too was feeling blue. Off course none of us was grown up to tell the other, instead we made each other miserable. The expectations of the other to be responsible for the other’s happiness like a circus monkey, ‘I am unhappy and it is your fault, make me happy ‘. This obviously didn’t work for me, it made me more unhappy and depressed.

After my morning walk I told my lover how I felt. The whole truth, I was feeling cluster-phobic and unhappy, it was not his fault; I just feel trapped (it’s important to note that my car was at his other house so his car was our only mode of transportation). I told him I want my car around in case I need to run errands on my own, luckily he understood! He drove me to his house to get my car and that’s where I am at tonight.

Finn thing is, I miss him so much. I will go to back again to the farm tomorrow! I am glad I asked for my time-out! Maybe that’s what saves my relationship, the understanding that my happiness is just that; my happiness!

rachel

Mourning lost friendships

It’s ok to let the greatest love of your life go,

It’s normal to grow apart,

It’s ok to want different things out of life,

It’s ok to let them go.

I am letting you go,

I am not bitter,

I don’t hate you,

I was hurt,

But not anymore!

I wish you well!!

This is the hardest break up,

But it’s necessary,

Goodbye lover.!

rachel

On polygamy…

What do you call a relationship with a man with 9 children and 6 wives you know nothing about? You fall pregnant with your first born who unbeknownst to you is baby number 10, you are in a test while he decides whether you are worth the dowry….. all of this you don’t know. You believe all he tells you, ‘I will marry you, I love you and it’s just you and me’.

What happens to you when you realize he lied? What about the dream he sold you? Are you to blame? Do you continue the relationship??

This is a story of one of my step mothers, one of many. All of them have their own sob stories about my father, the polygamist. He was not an honest man when it came to his women, a lot of them were trapped by the lies to stay in the relationships. They stayed and I swore that will never be me!

Surely I am clever and not as stupid and dumb as them….. if only! The sins Of the father fall on the children, only if they are not cleansed and hidden. My father will always be my hero but I also know he was not a superhuman. He was after all just a man burdened with expectations and living a life taught to him by his parents.

I therefore choose to shine the light on the lies, all of them.

rachel

Stories of happiness

If buildings and streets could speak…

They would tell happy stories;

Story about the mother who works that corner to feed her children,

Story of the the family of 8 that stays in that 1 bedroom flat on the second floor,

Story of the lad who washes cars to afford drinks for his girlfriend later,

Story of the slay queen who comes here just to sleep and get dressed for wherever the party takes her tonight,

Story of the boy who steals the neighbor’s WiFi so they can pleasure themselves with pornhub and their hand,

Story of the young girl who endures the night snake from her uncle to afford school fees,

All stories are happy,

Maybe not the act,

But the hope of happiness is what makes the story worth it.

rachel

P.S: I took this photo in Nairobi, Kenya in 2015, it was my first solo trip and I too was looking for a happy story! That building and the street gave me a bit of that happiness.

Change is constant…

At the beginning of this year I would have never thought I will come to enjoy running so much. I enjoy it so much, I woke up at 6 in Bali and went for a run! It was glorious! The terrain was rough, it started raining, I met wonderful people, I got lost, and came back. I completed 6kms in 45mins, this is not my best time but it’s my time.

Running has taught me to have patience and respect my body. Some days my will is stronger and more willing than my body, and that is ok. It’s not always easy but the body rewards; in more stamina, more energy, less injuries and overall happiness .

I have also discovered that running is the easiest way of learning new places. I know the street names, I know the early morning rituals that are performed in temples and I have seen the city awaken.

I would suggest a holiday run to anyone, you won’t regret it

Rachel