What is monogamy? It’s “the practice of marrying being married to one person at a time or a habit of having one mate at a time”. I love this idea! The knight in shining armor who comes on a white horse to rescue me and love me unconditionally for the rest of my life! How beautiful is that? Effectively this person needs to be there for me and love me and only me until well, either of us die! Whew! That’s a tad bit too much ain’t it?
I am not saying monogamy isn’t practical or wrong, this post is just to highlight a few things I’ve learnt in “monogamous relations”. You can not offer anyone monogamy type of love if you don’t have it for yourself! You need to be able to love yourself unconditionally first before you can offer anyone else unconditional love. When I was with my ex, I hadn’t reached that “I love myself fully, take it or leave sweet spot”. I was still in the “I should be fitter, rounder bum, bigger boobs and all other shallow stuff” stage. Effectively I still needed to change who my ex had fallen in love with, just to have him fall in love with me! Absurd right? I know! He saw right past this and couldn’t commit to me because, how do you commit to a future person you haven’t met, Who could potentially turn out to be an annoying airhead? You can’t.
So he left! He found warmth in the arms of a chubby, yet somehow sweet beautiful rural girl! You see what I did there? I had to tell myself all of those things because the truth would hurt. How do I admit that he just found a complete human being in the present and not some future unattainable dream girl? The questions came, “how could he? I am prettier than her! More this and more that, how could he?” Well because he found what I couldn’t give him! He found a person, right there! At that present moment. Btw, it wasn’t my fault he left, sometimes that’s how life pans out!
I don’t hate him anymore, although I did for the longest time! I know the bugger will always take me to bed with him, even with her! (That’s my ego talking, but it also happens to be true. When your self-esteem is zero, it’s so easy to confuse sex with love. I did that quite a lot, so I am sure he will always miss the adventures) however that’s not how you keep a relationship, I’ve learnt.
I am in a monogamous relationship now! Wiser and older! I have no need to own my partner’s joy or happiness, he is responsible for that! I am responsible for my own happiness too. We are two complete people brought together by nothing other than love ( definition: I can tolerate the sounds he makes when is chewing and the bear- dying sounds of him snoring next to me). Is he my soulmate? Yes. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t see any soulmatey light emanating from his eyes when met, I decide daily to love that goofy bastard! Some days I look at him and ask God “out of all the gorgeous black men out there, I am stuck with this doofus ? Why?” And some days I wake up and greet the trees and the sun and the air because that doofus is in my life!
So, is monogamy a lie? Is it practical? I don’t know. All I know is that two complete people can make any relationship work!