This was the very spot
Young; careless and free
Under that very tree
It was Valentine’s Day and the year was 2008. I was with my boyfriend; we were so in love. I had no plans and he didn’t either so we decided to get champagne; glasses and just drive.
We drove until we saw that tree. It looked like the perfect spot to stop and have our champagne; in celebration of our love. Something happened in that moment; I can’t wrap my mind around it but my heart knows it. I was in love with that man!
Fast forward a month later. After constant fighting and eventual “break” . I was in class and someone asked me: “ I heard S… passed away; is it your S…? My heart was heavy but I was sure it wasn’t him! It couldn’t be! There was so much I still had to tell him! There was a lifetime to spend with him! I had apologies to give this man! I had unborn babies to raise with this man! I had more time with this man!
A mutual friend of ours who shared a name with him calls me. “Rachel, are you fine? I am so sorry”. I don’t remember the walk to my flat! I don’t remember much! I called my mother and told her; I didn’t care about her finding out I had a boyfriend! I couldn’t stop crying!
I think a part of my heart died that day! Since then I’ve never had a good Valentine. I think partly because I’ve always been mourning him.
So today I drove past that tree! I wanted to stop; have a glass of champagne. Tell him I still carry him in my heart. It’s true I still do; but I want to get rid of this guilt I carry. The guilt of not apologizing! The guilt of surviving! I wanted him to allow me to let it and bid him goodbye. I wanted to say goodbye; properly! Close the chapter properly