The tortured lover who became a confidant

When I was 22; I thought I knew it all. I never wanted to feel pain or be vulnerable; so I ran away from things. I ran from love, from myself and own fears. Then I crashed! I had travelled the pain; drank the pain; smoked the pain and graduated the pain; there simply was nowhere to go but to face myself and my fears and my pain! I called a good friend of mine and told him what I was going through and we spoke; I cried and listened and cried. His advice was; you have to listen to yourself because you don’t want to rush through life and wake up at 40 with no idea who you are. So I tried.

Yesterday I sent him the text below:

“I am grateful I met you. You have become a sounding board and mentor in a way. As I reflect on my life, something stands out for me: how you have always been there for me in my growth. I remember telling you after reading the secret that we attract what we want and that the universe provides and we are in control! What a bunch of nonsense!!! I would never have learnt that had I not had my quarter life crisis and be forced to reflect on my life and my value systems and that was in that conversation we had the other day.

I can’t say I know it all at this point but I am content. I am learning that there is a mystery of the universe and as long as I am here; I deserve to be here. I am not running away anymore! I’ve ran from the painful and tough stuff but now I allow myself to feel stuff! And that has been such a hard lesson when I am tempted to reason it.

But anyway: thank you for being a good sounding board and friend. Thanks”

Note: this friend of mine is my greatest love of all. I put him through so much drama because I wasn’t aware who I was and wanted him to complete me and to own him. I loved him so much and still do but I don’t want to own anymore. I am comfortable not owning him. I am content knowing he is happy and healthy; even if it’s without me.

rachel

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