If I ever write a book, the title will be “things we lost in the fire”. I am not a fan of fire but sometimes the fire is necessary. I’ve recently been through the fire and lost everything! I am glad I did though, I am glad I lost everything because now I can start all over again.
The fire I am referring to is depression! I lost my fake smiles, I lost my anger, I lost my guilt , I lost all the helplessness. I had to sleep with my demons, I had to pray with them, eat with them and cry with them. Eventually I asked them what they wanted?
Fake smiles replied “I want to see you smile, a real smile; I want you to honor your feelings. I want you to not judge your feelings but feel them, that’s all. You don’t have to be okay for anyone else but yourself. If you can do this, you will smile a thousand more real smiles” I listened and smiled.
Anger replied ‘I wanted you to validate me, I wanted you to feel me and then I will freely leave you alone’; I listened and did as instructed. I must admit some days were harder than others but anger persisted until we both had a farewell ceremony and he left.
Guilt asked a question “do you think feeling guilty erases the past?” I said no. “So why do you bother entertaining me?” I thought about this for moment…..
Helplessness didn’t say much but spoke the most! After feeling what I was feeling, then what? After sleeping with my demons, how do I move forward? I am in the fire but how do I push t it out? I had to seek help in friendship and therapy, yes therapy! I am in therapy. So the fire isn’t out yet but it’s work in progress! I don’t hate the fire now, when it starts I sit in front of the fire with marshmallows and roast the candy! Luckily so far it’s been cold so the fire doesn’t burn me so much.