Rebirth

 I have had a couple of rebirths in my life. These are moments of clarity that feel like great awakenings followed by great beginnings. They don’t always come gently. The process can be triggered by great pain,loss,grief,heartbreak and joy. Here’s a few I remember 
1. It’s the day I lost my virginity,willingly that is. I was 19 and decided to loose my virginity. I had eaten myself to forget stuff. My mind had shut off the part about me getting molested as a child until then! The whole thing came back as if it was a nightmare. The pain, the bleeding, the digging holes to hide my blood-stained underwear! I was so angry! Angry at my parents for not being there, angry at God for not allowing me to be a virgin like other teens. I just decided to do it, what was the point of waiting? I just did it. I did it as a punishment to God, to my parents, to my molester! I was trying to get my power back! So why is then, that at 29 I am still crying about the same thing? Why is it then that I can’t be intimate with another person. It’s easy to be in a relationship with K, he knows nothing, asks for nothing and will never know nothing. All I need do is heal and then let him in, for now I just keep him at a distance and love him. 

I’ve drifted so far from the script but it’s fine. 

 2. It’s the break up from the love of my life at 24. Once upon a time I did let someone in, I allowed myself to love someone so much! It felt good! I was happy, most of the time that is. I think sometimes I spoke to the essence of his soul, I looked at him and saw god! I knew I was loved because God had taken his time and built this man, just for me! How can two broken soldiers love one another wholly? I was masking all my hurt and reduced my story to “love is the answer”! Don’t get me wrong, love is the answer but first “own your story”! Love you first, heal you first, listen to you first, etc. How was I to know this when I had been running? I was a damsel in distress and he came to save me. The saving was often judgmental, scolding, secretive and hurtful. It was here that I learnt “a woman’s heart is as deep as the ocean”. That depth almost cost me my friendships, my health and sanity. I am glad now it ended because back then, all I wanted was to be accepted unknowing that he just couldn’t because he too had his demons to feed.The end wasn’t easy though. I still search for him in my lover’s eyes.
3. July 18, 2015 until now! This was triggered not by a romantic lover! This was triggered by the loss of my greatest love! It’s the loss of my dad! It’s been 2 years and I still don’t know how to deal with it! I lost a friend, a mother,a father, my first love! This one is too hard!!!! Another  day maybe when I am better, today no.
rachel

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