Today my whole being went blur. Everything was just dark, I tried to find the constant lie I tell myself “you doing great! You are going great! Smile! He loves you” I just couldn’t find myself. I don’t really know what the trigger was but I think it started this morning when I went into work. I walked in there and saw people walking aimlessly about in place that is suffocating them with bosses that are suffocating them! I saw people that are tired of the constant lies that are told daily by the managers in the name of being good managers. I saw managers that were themselves suffocating because they had lied to tell so they could keep their jobs, keep their salary and whatever else. I didn’t see passion! I didn’t feel that people were there cause they wanted to be there! I guess maybe these are my thoughts projected onto others.
All day I tried to a dismal failure to do something work related. I always pride myself for being good and smart, give me enough time I can crack anything! This proved futile, no matter how much time I had there was nothing that will come out of that exercise! I found myself questioning my very core at this, I realized I wasn’t so special! I was just normal and at that moment I was humbled! I was humbled because I realized I was never as smart as I thought.
I then wept! I wept for my mother who was never there for me. I wept for a unjust God who let my dad pass! I wept for the lovers who left! I left for the monsters I allowed into my life! I wept for Ndumi. I wept until I didn’t know why I was weeping! I wept because the pain became physical! It felt like someone was stabbing me, not in just one place but all over my body! I just surrendered and wept some more until I passed out