After all of that, I still want him

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The day I met I know he was the one. just that the one! He had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen, his legs were gorgeous and he was very smart but he was short. I remember looking at him and thinking ‘this guy would be a good match for my friend’. 2 months later I found myself drawn to him, I wanted to be near him all the tine, show him I am smart too, show him how pretty I am. I didn’t realize I was falling for him until one day I was telling him about my dreams and my family and everything about me and my deepest darkest secrets. He was older and became my confidant and mentor of sone sort.

Then one day he bought me a gift (it was a book). I was excited he had listened to me and rememberf I loved books. Then he asked to come visit my house. He arrived late in the evening with dinner and we spoke for hours even forgetting we had work the next morning. He left after midnight, we didn’t kiss nor hug just a long friendly visit.

The visits became frequent until one day we kissed. After he kissing he got up from the bed and sat on a chair aand started sobbing. I was so terrified!! Did I bite him? What happened? I went and sat next to him and asked him what was wrong? He said nothing and continued crying. That was just awkward but I just comforted him and thought when he is ready he would tell me. 6 months into the relationship we got intimate for the first time. Never have   I ever been with a gentler and more sensual man! At this point I was in love!! We travelled together to many places and  we were so in love. I felt safe with him and figured if I were to ever marry someone it would be him.

After a year of dating I went home and tried to introduce the idea of getting married to my dad. He asked me ‘why do you want to get married?’ to which I answered ‘ cause I am in love! He told me that’s not reason enough to get married. money, security, an established man, those are the reasons to get married cause love is not constant. I listened to him but that didn’t change my mind in the least! I was going to marry him! I knew ours was different.

He calls me from home and tell there is something he needs to tell me. He says this will be the defining moment in our relationship. I get excited thinking this it! He is going to propose! We go away for the weekend to the nicest hotel we had ever been to. I don’t want to ask lest I ruin the surprise, until Sunday morning when I wake and still don’t have a ring on my finger. I ask him to tell me what’s up? He just stares at me for the longest time and starts sobbing! What’s this? What’s wrong? Are you dying? Am I dying? Are we breaking up? No answer!

Until he stops crying and holds my hands telling me how much he loves and wants only me in the world. With me by his side he can conquer everything. I must just promise him that no matter what happens or whatever he tells me I will never leave him. I promise! I promise! He clears his throat and tells me ‘ I am HIV positive, I think it’s time you knew’. What the f**k now? Who now? WHAT????? Say that again??? HOW? WHO? Did I hear you correctly?

I wish I could say I knew that the day I met him, but I didn’t! I took my vows though for better or worse! He passed away after three wonderful years together and left me!!! I am just grateful he told me when he did…,

You alone are the judge of your youth and your goal is to discover infinite worth in yourself, no matter what happens or anyone else thinks- Deepak Chopra

I have acquired a lot of world possessions that other people will consider success. So by the worlds standard I am successful.

Why then do I feel unsatisfied? Why then do I feel so anxious? Why do I feel like I lack? What is that I am longing for? This post is an attempt to find out why I feel the way I do.

I have been with many men in my life, I mean like a lot. I am a fun loving girl who knows how to make any man feel special. I guess that’s why I have been with a lot of them (even though I reall think it’s because I make it easy). The experience has been fun and I’ve learnt a lot about myself and my sexuality. I have always thought of myself as a liberal. I would hold these men’s attention for a night, a week and even years, but none of them have stuck around. This has not troubles me until recently on my 35th birthday! Having been with so many men, why am I alone? Why am I throwing myself a party?  Where is my Prince Charming? My highway man (Alfred Noyes) where are you?

I would like to settle down even even though I am not sure I want to. On the one end I feel like I want to marry cause all my friends are married and look happy, on the one end I have a problem with monogamy. I think it’s not feasible in this day and age yet when I bring it up to my male companions they give me that “whore” look! (You know the one where a person doesn’t look you straight into your eyes but from the corner of their eyes). All of these men have cheated on me or I have cheated on them, so why then do they think monogamy is relevant? I do believe in love though and I love LOVE!

You see I grew up in a polygamous home. My father had an excess of 10 women in his life. All of these women thought they were the one! Until he passed away and left them nothing and they found out they were not the one, the second or third but eight or tenth. The only peerson he loved more that his kids was HIMSELF!!! I looked at all these women and thought that will never be me! I will know when my man is cheating on me and I will leave immediately if I suspect he is cheating. I have been successful in achieving this hence I have been with many men! And none of them have stuck around cause I will rather cause you pain first than have you hurt me!

I do realize though that while I am liberal and can be in French type relationship, the reason for my dissatisfaction is that I am always running!! I am running from the shadows of heartbreak and vulnerability! So what I am lacking is love and not just any love but love for myself and respect for myself! I choose to value me and treat me better! There’s no point in sleeping with someone who I am not in love with just so I don’t get hurt by the one I do. There is no point in being in a fake relationship where I am the “cool” girl you call when your manhood is up at night and you can’t sleep! There is really no point in giving my body if I am not in love.

Here’s to tearing my body  better and discovering my worth!🍾🍾🍾🍾

No one was sorry to see him die, except me.

He was known for being a hardcore criminal murder, rape were his specialities. The whole community was afraid of him his last victim was a family man he had brutally murdered after he had raped and sold his niece. His eyes were cold and vacant.

The day I met him I was 15 years old and had just lost my parents. My extended family told me there was no money to take care of me. All my uncles and aunts told me about the amount of debt they had and how impossible it was to accommodate me on their homes. One of my aunts told she knew a family looking for help. I will have to help with the house chores after school. Everyone agreed that’s best for me. The next day we headed to the city.

My aunt take s me into a beautiful house with high fences and 2 security guards carrying large guns. She tells me this will be my new home. Before long we are joined by a tall, dark heavily bearded man with blank eyes. He stares directly at me without blinking. I avert my eyes so I don’t appear rude. I didn’t realize until then that I had made a deal with the devil.

As soon as my aunt leaves, I am shown my room which is pretty with expensive furniture. The room reminds me of a candy shop. He tells me I will be good for the job, he trusts me. At dinner I meet other girls my age and we converse about school, oddly none of them make eye contact when they speak. They are wearing expensive clothes the kind I only see in magazines.

After dinner the girls disappear into their bedrooms and I am left alone with him. He moves closer and sits on the chair close to mine. He tells me I am beautiful and that he wants to show me something. He leads me back to my room and locks the door behind us. He starts undressing me gently, button by button. He looks at my naked body and asks me to undress him. Uncomfortably I do as I am told. I don’t really remember the whole think but I know it was painful and his thing hurt me so much I bled. This happened for many years until the day I was walking towards him at the alter to marry him. That was the happiest day I had ever been but also the saddest.

Walking towards him at the alter everything slowed down as he was smiling at me with that gorgeous smile. Suddenly I heard a loud bang and knew immediately what that sound was. The man I was walking towards dropped to the ground and his white shirt turned red as blood splattered everywhere. My flowers, the alter, the priest bloody!! I ran towards him screaming, when I got to him blood was oozing from his nose. I looked at the back to see my aunt standing there with a gun. At that moment, I knew…

Breathe and Let Go

Sometimes you will be the perfect friend

Perfect lover

Perfect companion

His peace of mind

All you know love to be.

It still won’t matter when the love was never there to begin with.

It won’t matter when your definition of love is not the same, forever might mean a day..

It won’t matter when you not in his future plans.

Understand this.

Accept this.

Don’t try change him.

Take yourself into your corner,

Cry if you must,

And gently remove yourself from it!

Why stay if there are no ingredients to serve your meal?

Breathe and let go

rachel

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I hope you All you can be

I hope you learn to still your heart

I hope you learn to enjoy it here

I hope you love so fully

I hope you find purpose daily

I hope you learn daily

I hope you learn there’s nothing to be anxious about

I hope you know you are loved, because you are

I hope you know you where you should because you are

I hope you love fully, because there is no other way to feel love

I hope you know you are beautiful, because my dear, you are stunning

I hope you know you are deserving, of all the great things you dream of

I hope you know you are love, in its purest form, that’s you

I hope you have forgiven your parents, they didn’t know better

I hope you have forgiven your teachers, they didn’t know better

I hope you have forgiven your friends, you didn’t know better

I hope you forgiven that boy, he didn’t know better

Most importantly,

I hope you have forgiven yourself , you didn’t know better

Now you do!

Forgive my darling…,

rachel

Gentle Reminders: Surrender

It’s ok to hold on,

To persevere,

To hope it doesn’t end.

When you are tired though,

Surrender!

Surrender!

There’s a power higher than us,

He knows what he is doing!

Trust his timing,

Trust the flow,

All your needs will be provided for!!!

You are right where you should be!

You belong here!

Surrender!

Surrender!

Rachel

My fellow bloggers, thank you

I would like to thank everyone who has stopped by this blog over the last 2 years. Thank you for being part of my healing and growth. I hope my sharing has inspired you in some way or at least made you laugh at the silliness of it all. Thank you for the likes. Thank you for inspiring me to write more.

In my native language, I would say “Ngiyabonga ngiyanconcoza!” Loosely translates it means “thank you, m grateful beyond gratitude”

From this heart to yours, thank you! I am also grateful to my fellow bloggers for sharing their stories. I’ve been inspired!

rachel

Letting go of old self….

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning,

I looked at photos of old self,

All beautiful,

All sexy,

All woman!

I decided to say goodbye to my old self,

I lit a candle for my old self,

I had conversations with old self,

I told her goodbye my love,

It’s been good knowing you my friend,

I have to let you go now!

I need space for the new,

New!

Not old self,

Not familiar self,

New self,

You will always be part of me!

I love you and always will!

rachel

You Loved me Still…..

To know Love like this

So simple,

So free,

So comfortable,

So at home,

That’s the love I have known I deserve!

A flowing river,

A constant,

A love so complete!

Who was I to deserve this?

So bartered!

So bruised?

Ego smashed to pieces!

A self so fragile!

A lost self!

You loved me still!

A love not lost in the past!

A love in the present!

You loved me still?

I love you?

Thank you for loving me,…

I love you L….

Rachel